Dressing Up
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Posted:Dec 26, 2011 12:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2619 Views
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As I wrote before I have met with one guy a couple of times. We talk a lot online and really don’t get to meet up very often. This is not a very fair arrangement for him, and I have had to cancel last minute a couple of times as my life gets overly complicated. Lucky for me he is very understanding and willing to work with me.
We are not exclusive to each other at all, and I know that. We both talk about other people we see on occasion. Before we met up a second time he told me that one guy he was sleeping with enjoyed dressing up in lingerie.
As a I stayed three summers in a row at my Aunt’s house when my mom went back to work. My aunt always left her underwear on the floor of the bathroom by the laundry room, which was the bathroom we were all allowed to use as it was right off the back porch. I was always amazed it was just left out for anyone to see on the bathroom floor. As a I wondered what it would feel like to wear it, how different would it be? One day I decided to put a pair of her panties on. I only did it the one time, and after that I was satisfied with it. I was more worried about being caught playing with my aunt’s underwear than being caught wearing it.
In college I was in a co-ed dorm, which shared a laundry room. One day after doing the laundry I found a pair of women’s panties in my laundry. They must have been left in the drier and I never noticed them. Some of my friends said that I should just put them back into the laundry room but I kept them. When I had the room to myself I would put them on, just because I could. They were black and actually close to my size. If I bent over my asscrack would easily come out, and if I was erect I stood way above the waistline. I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror and was turned on by it, but never really thought about cross dressing. When I graduated college I had them washed and left them in the laundry room for someone else to find.
So when the guy I was talking to said that another of his friends was dressing up I asked if that turned him on. He said it was different. He told me that he had a nighty that his friend kept at his house. I asked if he ever wanted to see me wear it. He said sure.
It was probably another month or so until I could get away to meet up with him. We had stripped down for each other and he asked what I wanted to do. I asked if he wanted me to dress up for him. I reminded him of our conversation about the negligee. He opened the closet and pulled out a white nighty and handed it to me.
As I sat there naked I tried to figure this thing out. It was white with faux fur at the top. Getting the top on was easy enough, but it came with a thong panty. The panty was literally a string that came up the back, and was not sewn into place, it slid around the waistline string. So we both took a few minutes to figure out how to arrange it. I put it on for about a minute, posed for him, and the thong came off again. The white nighty stayed on the entire time we fucked.
Once we were done I stood up to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t see anything in his bedroom mirror as it was at chest height so he led me to the bathroom. The full length in there gave me a better view. The nighty came down to my hips, and my cock hung below it. My nipples were concealed by the faux fur. When I turned around the top of my but was covered, but the round curves of the cheeks hung out. I liked the look from behind, but in front didn’t do much for me. I gave him the nighty and began to clean myself up.
I haven’t dressed up since. I have had a lot of people ask me if I dress up, and I am not opposed to it but it isn’t a regular thing for me either. On occasion tough it can be fun. I have been looking at a chemise on A&E that I like and thing would look good on me. Just not sure who I would show it off to at this point.
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Last night
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Posted:Dec 12, 2011 2:41 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 9:40 am
2718 Views
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Last night is a perfect example of how screwed up I have let my life become. I can share this here and no where else as no one in my life would get it (except for one person and I won’t have a chance to see her for a few weeks).
Last might my wife and I had sex, which should have been a good thing. This makes the third time this year we have had sex. The normal excuses she gives me for avoiding sex are: Headache, stomach ache/cramps, back pain, sinuses are blocked, it is too hot, it is too cold, she is too tired or her cycle started early and we can’t do anything on her cycle because that is just disgusting in her mind. The truth is that it hurts her t have sex, which she refuses to talk about or see a doctor about because there is nothing wrong with her in her own opinion.
Back to last night. She asks if I want to take a bath with her. This is a normal thing, and one of the reasons she thinks there are no problems. She loves walking around naked, which is the game of look but don’t touch. Fun in the first year of marriage but insulting after 7 years of living together. The next level is asking me to watch her bathe to “make sure she doesn’t drown”, which was again a fun joke years ago. Bathing together is her needing someone to scrub her back and nothing else. About 1 In 20 times I get a hand job as thanks for this. Never anything oral as that is disgusting and degrading to her.
Last night she offered the hand job after saying we would have sex all week. This is the norm for us, promises all week and then maybe a hand job. I rolled my eyes and she asked what that was for. I asked if full sex was off for the night. She was upset that the hand job wasn’t enough for me, but agreed to sex.
She of course didn’t want sex at this point, and I wasn’t much into it either. I lubed her up as she is always dry. She refuses foreplay, and just wants it over with. We tried doggie style but she couldn’t find a comfortable angle. So we moved to missionary. This still isn’t comfortable for her but she was going along with it. I then get to see her wince in pain as I penetrate and then try to avoid looking at me the entire time. I’ll be honest, I can’t tell you why I kept going other than it is such a rare occasion. I tried to kiss her but she pulled away asking when I brushed last, and added that she hadn’t brushed in hours.
We finish and she gets up to clean herself off. No cuddling or anything, just job done and let’s move on. We go to the bathroom to clean up some and she says “you know it’s good sex when you bleed a little”, in a monotone voice full of spite. Makes me feel that much worse for wanting a normal sex life from her, which was her intention. I recognize the guilt trip she is tossing at me, and I resent her for giving it and myself for taking it.
We spent the rest of the night watching TV, me on the couch and her in her chair. She played on her laptop and talked about everything she read online, her job, and wouldn’t mention anything about us. I have tried to talk to her about it before, and it goes no where. Just a lot of deflection and avoidance as “nothing is wrong so drop it”.
The amazing thing to me is how we can be intimate and I still feel so alone.
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A great guy
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Posted:Dec 11, 2011 2:40 pm
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2012 8:06 am
3041 Views
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The guy I currently get to meet on occasion is a great guy. I first met with him a few years ago, and I try to meet up with him every couple of months (which lately has been more difficult than I really want).
On the rare occasion I get out I normally am very nervous. The thought of being caught is there of course. Then there is the worry of what all can go wrong. Will this person be bigger than me physically and force himself onto me. Will this person be a jerk? What if there is no chemistry at all? I can get past a lot of that by talking to people online for a while normally. This was a month or so of talking online and a few pics exchanged. There was also the added fear that he lived in an apartment complex where friends and coworkers lived. As I drove up I was sure someone would recognize me or my car.
Of course there was no need to worry. Just the things that build up in my head sometimes stop me from acting.
When I walked in to his apartment he was all smiles. He sat in his chair and I sat on the couch. He offered me a drink and we talked for a few minutes. He finally asked if I wanted to do anything and I said yes. He got up and stood behind his recliner. He took his shirt off, and then slipped out of his pants, so I could see the curve of his legs but not much else.
I stood up and took off my shirt. Then I sat down again and took off my shoes and socks, followed by my watch, emptied my pockets and placed that stuff on the table. I wasn’t trying to drag things out, I just wasn’t sure what to do. He stepped from behind his chair and I say his cock and knew it was going to fuck me soon. I stood up again and turned away from him. I slid off my pants and revealed my thing I was wearing. I don’t wear it normally, but when I was going on a date like this I put it on. Still facing away from him I slowly pulled down the thong fully bending over for him.
I had undressed similar to this before and it hadn’t done much for me. The first guy I was with was a total bottom and had no interest in my ass. The second guy I wore boxers and he pulled them off of me. So my pulling off the thing like that was my attempt to turn him on. It must have worked as he was right next to me when I turned around. He kissed me and began rubbing my dick. One of his hands cupped my ass. I began doing the same, and held both of our cocks in my hand, stroking both of us.
He led me to the bedroom. He lay me down and began sucking my cock. We moved around the bed a few times with him squeezing my ass. He brought me up to sit on his chest as I face fucked him. His fingers probed my ass as we went at it. It was at that point my leg cramped up and I fell. I was so embarrassed that my leg had given out. I tore a ligament when I was 10 and sometimes my leg just goes wonky on my. I couldn’t get on my knees again. I apologized and tied to get back into the same position, but I just could not do it. He told me it was oaky and I lay down again.
He rolled me onto my stomach and began eating out my ass. I had this done once before and loved it. This time it was still great. He also began fingering my ass. I asked him if he had condoms, and he said yes, and got up to get one. I stroked him as he got one out and opened it. His cock was right next to my face. “Give me a little something” he said. I took his cock into my mouth. This has thus far been the only time I have had a dick in my mouth. I only got the head in, and licked it more than sucked it. Oral sex is one of those things that makes me paranoid for some reason, but I went with it. He pulled out and put the condom on.
He rolled me onto my back, pulled my legs up into the air, and began fucking me. As always, it hurt at first. I don’t get the chance to play with my ass enough. But soon it felt really good. He pulled out saying he couldn’t feel anything with the condom. So I began stroking him without the condom. He came in my hand onto my chest pretty quickly.
He returned to sucking me off until I came in his mouth. He took it all and then began kissing me, swapping spit and my cum into my mouth. That hadn’t happened to me before and I was surprised at how salty it was.
After that we lay there a few minutes just cuddling. He showed me to the bathroom and I cleaned up some. He was in the front room again fully dressed, so I got dressed too. Then we sat and watched Antiques Road show, talking about how we both loved the show. That always struck me as both odd and normal at the same time. That is probably why I decided to see him again later and keep talking with him all this time.
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public displays
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Posted:Nov 14, 2011 2:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2015 3:10 pm
2989 Views
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Who in here does not have a fantasy? No one of course. In some form or another we are all sharing our fantasies in here. One of mine was sex outdoors, which is still a passtime I enjoy.
In college there was a forest that I went hiking in daily (even in a couple feet of snow, proving my great stupidity back then). I had picked up a video someplace about different masterbation styles, and one guy was jerking off in the woods to be at one with nature. He was also humping a tree, which I suspect would give him splinters, but I guess some peopel are into that.
So later that week I went out one day with the full intention of jerking off in the wild. That day I ran into a dozen or so friends who decided that it was a nice day for a walk as well. Nothing much happened that day.
A week after that I went out and had the time alone. I kept looking over my shoulder as I dropped my pants and began jerking off. Every time I heard a branch snap or leaves mive in the wind I stopped ready to pull my pants up. I finally came and then realized that I had cum all over my hands and pants with no kleenex to clean up with. I tried wiping it off with leaves, which only managed to smear it a bit more. Finally I decided to "accidently" slip and fall into the river soaking my pants so that no one wold notice the stains. I was just a little paranoid back then.
My wife decided that I should have sex in public. One of her favorite spots to have sex is at a local beach. We do this once a year (which is nrmally the one time every year we do have sex). We talked about it a lot the first time. She even went out and scouted a good spot for us. We went out early in the morning figuring the beach would not be crowded, which was good. Her idea of a nice secluded spot was behind the one tree on the beach about 20 feet from the main path to the water.
We looked around and I took off my shirt. She lay down the blanket and looked around. I started to pull at her bikini top but she stopped me. She didn't want to go topless. She slid off her bottoms and lay them next to her feet. I lubed her up some and then slid off my shorts. This was another one of those times when every sound was to loud, but this time there was the very real possibility of someone walking by and seeing us out in the open.
I did not last long at all, neither did she. We both quickly pulled our bottoms on, and as soon as I stood up I saw a group of teenagers run down the path to the water.
After many visits we have found much more private spots and look for new secluded ones when we can. This is practically the only time we ever have sex anymore. A lot of the time sex is promised on the way out, and then once we get there she is no longerin the mood. She can't just say "I want to go to the each and hang out," she lies to get me to go and doesn't understand why that is a bad thing.
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public displays
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Posted:Nov 14, 2011 2:38 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2806 Views
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Who in here does not have a fantasy? No one of course. In some form or another we are all sharing our fantasies in here. One of mine was sex outdoors, which is still a passtime I enjoy.
In college there was a forest that I went hiking in daily (even in a couple feet of snow, proving my great stupidity back then). I had picked up a video someplace about different masterbation styles, and one guy was jerking off in the woods to be at one with nature. He was also humping a tree, which I suspect would give him splinters, but I guess some peopel are into that.
So later that week I went out one day with the full intention of jerking off in the wild. That day I ran into a dozen or so friends who decided that it was a nice day for a walk as well. Nothing much happened that day.
A week after that I went out and had the time alone. I kept looking over my shoulder as I dropped my pants and began jerking off. Every time I heard a branch snap or leaves mive in the wind I stopped ready to pull my pants up. I finally came and then realized that I had cum all over my hands and pants with no kleenex to clean up with. I tried wiping it off with leaves, which only managed to smear it a bit more. Finally I decided to "accidently" slip and fall into the river soaking my pants so that no one wold notice the stains. I was just a little paranoid back then.
My wife decided that I should have sex in public. One of her favorite spots to have sex is at a local beach. We do this once a year (which is nrmally the one time every year we do have sex). We talked about it a lot the first time. She even went out and scouted a good spot for us. We went out early in the morning figuring the beach would not be crowded, which was good. Her idea of a nice secluded spot was behind the one tree on the beach about 20 feet from the main path to the water.
We looked around and I took off my shirt. She lay down the blanket and looked around. I started to pull at her bikini top but she stopped me. She didn't want to go topless. She slid off her bottoms and lay them next to her feet. I lubed her up some and then slid off my shorts. This was another one of those times when every sound was to loud, but this time there was the very real possibility of someone walking by and seeing us out in the open.
I did not last long at all, neither did she. We both quickly pulled our bottoms on, and as soon as I stood up I saw a group of teenagers run down the path to the water.
After many visits we have found much more private spots and look for new secluded ones when we can. This is practically the only time we ever have sex anymore. A lot of the time sex is promised on the way out, and then once we get there she is no longerin the mood. She can't just say "I want to go to the each and hang out," she lies to get me to go and doesn't understand why that is a bad thing.
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My self image
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Posted:Nov 7, 2011 4:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2012 2:59 pm
2665 Views
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I'm going to be honest, I am a nerd. A complete and total nerd. The I'm going to grow up and become a jedi kind of nerd. As thus I rarely if ever had women interested in me from my own point of view.
In high school there was a girl that on reflection probably did want more than just friendship from me. I wasn't at all interested in her though. Not that there was anything wrong with her, I was just young and stupid and it never occured to me that maybe she might be flirting with me. I was actually annoyed when she would show up whereI worked to say hi, I didn't want to look bad in front of the owner (another stupid nerd thing - I thought my high school job was an important thing in life).
There was the girl I was interested in that I could have had a chance with. We sat next to each other in French class. Flirting is part of French, that is about all I can really remember of the language. Where else can you practice ordering eggs with cheese and have it sound seductive? We talked about everything, and when she found out Ihad some Playboys she wantedto see one, which i brought in and let her borrow. Her then boyfriend dumped her two weeks before the prom, and again in hindsight I know that she told me before she told much of anyone else. Some people have told me that was the act of a friend, others told me she wanted me to ask her out. I did consider asking her out, but I was the nerd, not the cool guy that would go to prom with a cheerleader. I stopped myself, convinced that if I asked she would turn me down. I told other people I didn't want to hang out with the preppie crowd, but I was afraid of rejection.
In college I had a better idea of when people were flirting with me. Especially the gay guy at Hot TOpic that always came right up to me every time my group of friend went there. It was in college that I began to realize that maybe I was more than just a nerd.
On other dating sites (so called normal dating sites) with a face pic I never got any attention. In here I have pics of my cock and I get a lot of attention. But this new pic of mine which is me bent over a bed has gotten the most attention ever.
So my self image has increased thanks to this site and people on it. People actually find me attractive, which is a very odd thing for me and I never really know how to react to that. So thank you to everyone that likes the pics and compliments me on it. Some days the compliments in here are the only things that go right in my days.
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Back in the routine
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Posted:Nov 5, 2011 10:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2475 Views
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After taking a break from here I am back in the chat rooms most nights just seeing who is out there and playing on cam if I am in the mood. Reconnected with an old friend which is a good thing, and have plenty of guys wanting to talk to me. It would be great if there were some more girls wanting to talk, but I get that being a married man isn't what most women are looking for.
I do love it when I log in and get a dozen flirts or hotlists from people that just signed up today. Today I had two different profiles flirt with me that had the same profile picture. That was amusing.
One of the tings I really don't get is how people from thousand of miles away find my profile. I mean I know how they find it, but I can't figure out why mine is the one that sticks out and grabs attention.
As for my marriage, if anyone is interested, yes we are maried, no we are not splitting up, she does not know I flirt in here, and she still has an excuse to avoid sex every chance she gets. Why do I stay with her, that is a long complicated story. I don't even understand most of it some days.
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So I took a break for a whiule
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Posted:Nov 1, 2011 9:08 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2493 Views
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I know,I dissapeared for a bit. There are a few reasons for that. One, my computer has been having major issues, and that meant arguing with it to get it to work, and mostly using the computer at work and my wife's laptop. And as my wife searches her history a lot that cut out any of my playing around on here.
Secondly I did get out and had a great time with a couple. Then the computer went haywire. So I had to cut ties with them without even really explaining why, which I feel bad about. But as my wifewas opening my mail by mistake or launching my instant messenger I had to delete them from contacts (if you read this I am sorry about that).
Thirdly, work and family life have both decided that I am not allowed to have any personal time. SO I have almost no time to do anythign other than chat right now anyway, and even that is only really late at night.
So not much of an update right now. Just taking advantage of the free ten minutes I have today.
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Will we or won't we?
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Posted:Jul 5, 2011 4:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2015 3:10 pm
2970 Views
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One of my friends from college has had a rough couple of years since graduation. I am calling her Actress as she loves theatre and does local plays and musicals when she can. She was two years ahead of me in college. She was in my Dungeons and Dragons group and we still saw each other at the annual New Year’s Ever Gaming Party my one friend always holds.
After graduation she met a guy, got married, and moved to Canada with him. After two years they divorced when she found out that her husband was sleeping with her best friend who was also a guy. She moved back in with her parents and then moved in with her new boyfriend, who a lot of people call the asshole in retrospect. While they lived together he cheated on her with his ex, blamed it on bipolar issues, refused to take his meds or see a doctor about changing his meds, ultimately leaving her when everything was in her name, forcing her to file bankruptcy and move back in with her parents a second time. That time when she moved in with them, her parents got job offers in New Mexico, and she had no choice but to move with them, far away from all of her friends here in Indiana. While out there she has still found guys to love her and ultimately leave her. On top of all else, she has had some serious medical conditions of her own to deal with, further crippling her financially.
So we talk online a lot. I have heard about all of the boyfriends, how she has defended Asshole time and again, how this new guy will be different, etc. She is one of the few people that I do talk to about how much my wife drives me crazy and how I am not as happy as I like. We kind of play mutual therapist for each other.
Now we have always flirted with each other. Somehow last year it started to get more serious. We really started talking about what it would be like if we started to have sex. What she liked, what I liked. At some point I realized we weren’t flirting anymore. Granted, she was in New Mexico and dating a guy that she had dated once before (Asshole II as it turns out). She was going to come back to Indiana for the annual gaming party, and we were talking about could we find time alone where no one would find out we were alone together.
A lot of this revolved around her fantasy of being with two guys at once. Her boyfriend/fiancé was going to come to the party as well this year on a different flight. Even though she was in New Mexico, he was in Texas and couldn’t get the same days off. We talked about getting a hotel room and having a threesome, or finding some secluded place to fool around in the car (which was dashed because it is Indiana in January). The Hotel we couldn’t justify as everyone always stays with someone in the area to save on costs. As we were planning this it occurred to me “I am going to have sex with her”. This was an odd realization. I had fantasized about I before, but never really thought anything would ever happen.
As another side note to complicate this matter, my best friend has wanted to hook up with her for a few years, and been shot down repeatedly. He told me that he is finally moving on, which he has said before. But when I let him know that she told me specifically that should I divorce I was to call her, he finally did move on. So now I have the whole “my best friend likes her” thing going on in my head as well.
Actress has been very clear with me on this. If I get divorced and she is still single, neither of us will be for long if I want. As for the threesome idea, her fiancé/boyfriend (Asshole I wanted to get to know me better before committing to anything. This was understandable as we did not know each other, and he knew about me and her flirting the way we did. When we met at New Years I was sizing him up. Not my type much at all, but I was going to sleep with Actress, and it was her fantasy.
One thing with Actress is that she is scared of anyone she dates being Gay. This is entirely her Ex-husband’s fault. So I asked her if in a threesome with two guys, did she expect the two guys to play with each other. I was okay with that, which she did not know, but she killed that idea fast. She wanted all of the focus to be on her. So looking at Asshole II I figured we could take turns or whatever she wanted. I had been doing research into three ways with two guys, figuring out positions, and what did she want. She does not do anal at all, so it was going to be turn based, with her possibly giving one of us oral while the other played with her.
Asshole II seemed cautious around me. We never talked about the three of us at all. Actress still assures me that he knew about everything, but was the jealous type. He didn’t want me touching her unless he gave permission first.
I was the one who took her to the airport to pick him up. It was a 45 minute drive there, and then waiting about another half hour for his flight to disembark. We waited in the car, talking about everything. My marriage, what we wanted to do, if we could get away with it and how to get away with it. I loved it all. We did not do anything in the car that night except for talk. She wanted to make sure her boyfriend was 100% good with this before anything happened. The most I got the entire weekend was rubbing her back between games and sliding a few fingers into her underwear when no one was around. She laughed and smacked my hand away, reminding me that people might see something.
After New Year’s, the boyfriend officially became the fiancé. She made arrangements to move to Texas with him. After she had bought tickets, given her job official notice, and sent him rent money, he let her know it was over. She got her tickets changed to Indiana and decided it was time to move back near friends, and secured a place to stay rent free until she gets a full time job going again.
When it was the idea of a threesome, I asked if she would be okay having sex with a married man. I told her up front that nothing was going to change, that I was not leaving my wife right now for her. She was fine with that. After Asshole II left her, she has now told me that we are not going to date unless I am divorced. She has added that once I am divorced the sex will start immediately after. I told her once that I was considering meeting up with a guy I met online for sex, and she hated that idea. Not so much me having sex with a guy, as much as a guy I did not know and couldn’t fully trust. She just advises me that I need to get a divorce and sleep with her.
So will anything else develop when she officially moves back into the state late July? Who knows. The fact that we have fully discussed this makes me think that something may develop, but I don’t know what will happen. I’m not sure what I want to happen either. Eventually we will figure something out, but as to what and when is a mystery.
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Life after college
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Posted:Jul 3, 2011 7:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2015 3:11 pm
3047 Views
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To say that I had my life planned out after college would be a complete and total lie. The original plan was that my internship would become a full time job and I would move in with my friend Grey, both of us being roommates again. Then my internship suddenly was not hiring. I don’t know if they weren’t hiring or if I had burned some bridges with one of the evening supervisors by asking too many questions and then questioning the answers. Grey had officially dropped out of college, and was between jobs. With less than a month left of my college experience, it was quickly decided that my grandparents had a spare room that I could use until I figured things out. Not an ideal situation, but one that worked well for me at the time.
After graduation there was a brief lull in communication with everyone. Everyone had email, but ensuring an internet connection was more difficult. It took me a month to convince my grandparents to add a computer line to their existing phone bill after I had a job and was able to pay for it. Until then it was library access, which in the summer of 2000 meant that I had to wait my turn and be rushed off by everyone else that wanted to do the same thing. There was one person I kept in close contact with though, Panty Girl. She had an apartment in a town about a 40 minute drive away, and she had just gotten one of those new cell phones that were all the rage. She liked having people to call, and someone to call her. Despite some arguments over phone usage times with my grandparents, I called and talked to her 3-4 times a week, and visited at least once if not three times a week.
This went on for the entire summer. Her roommate was a gay man that I never really got to know at all. When I would visit he was normally working. If he was home when I visited then we all sat and watched movies. Normally I would come over after she got off work. Then we would go out and get something to eat someplace, talk about our days, go to her place to watch some TV, and eventually I would go home.
Of course I still asked her about the see through panties I had bought her and did she ever try them on. She finally admitted that she did try them on once, but as she was a size 2 and the one size fits all was a lie, there was no way she could walk in them without losing them. So I offered to buy her something else if she would model them for me. That led to her posing in her underwear a couple of times for my camera. She never posed nude for me again, but she didn’t make me leave the room when she changed either. Depending on the undies or swimwear she was showing off she would occasionally have to shave, and I would have to wait in her bedroom. In one picture her bikini bottom pulled slightly to the side and she didn’t realize it, showing that she had fully shaven for those pictures.
And we talked about sex. It was no secret that I masturbated a lot, but she claimed that she almost never did. It was odd to me that she would not admit to it. She told me that she would to it on occasion, but it didn’t do much for her. Two years ago her doctor discovered a hormone problem related to another medical issue. Once on the supplement her sex life has apparently gotten better and masturbation has grown more fun from what she has told me. But in the summer of 2000 I had no idea what was wrong. I even bought her a vibrator, as much as a joke as anything else, but she told me that she did try it and it didn’t do anything for her.
Through all of this we were not dating, no matter how much it felt like that at the time. We did live 40 minutes apart, which is not much. But I was working second shift. If I had the day off I would come to visit her. If I did not I would call her or she would call me on her lunch break. But in the evenings she went out to the bars with friends from her job. Every once and a while she would mention that some jerk was flirting with her at a bad, and I laughed about it, not thinking twice.
The night finally came when I went out to the bar with her. I don’t drink at all, and never have. Neither of my parents drank, and I never saw the point. I have no problems with other people drinking, it just isn’t for me. So my going to a bar is a rare occasion. This was one of her friend’s birthday party, and she wanted me to go along as I had the night off. Didn’t want to go to a bar with people I didn’t know for a birthday party of someone I didn’t know, but she asked me to come along.
Again, I am not a bar person. Generally when I think of going to a bar I see Sam Malone giving Norm Peterson a beer. This was a honky tonk place. The music was blaring country songs all night, it was crowded, and I was lucky enough to have a beer spilled on me. I could have lived with all of that though because Panty Girl was there and wanted me there with her.
The problem came because Panty girl got shitfaced. I knew she drank, and had no problem with her drinking. I just never knew how much she drank. From what other friends have told me her drinking got bad after college and people did not realize it until they got together with her almost a year later. As I wasn’t part of the bar crowd in college I had no idea.
As she got more and more drunk, she hit on every guy there. She could hardly walk a straight line. I wanted to get her out of there, but we rode with someone else. Finally, I told her that I had to get home so that I could get up for work the next day. She found her friend and we left. We walked a block to the car, passing an ice cream shop. She wanted to get some ice cream, and then said she felt like she was going to throw up. We got into the car, both of us in the back seat. She lay her head in my lap, and I held her in place. She was singing the song she had heard in the bar before we left. Once we were at her apartment I got her into bed and she passed out. I locked up and went home.
The next day when I talked to her I asked her what had happened last night. She said she didn’t remember much of the night but that was normal. Then she asked me if she did anything embarrassing around the one guy that she flirted with the most. I told her that I didn’t remember her doing anything too bad, and asked if she was at all worried about getting that drunk where anyone could take advantage of her. She told me that I was overreacting and went back to talking about the guy she liked.
I was upset, to put it mildly. As I said, we were not dating, but it did feel like we were. I felt used at the time. She had used me to protect her while she wanted to date some loser at a bar. Was it fair of me to feel like that, maybe. What was not fair was the email I sent her after ruminating on it all day. The letter was not fair at all. I did accuse her of using me, and using other people. I told her that her drinking was going to cause her more problems. I told her that this jerk was never going to amount to anything if he only liked her when she was that drunk. I never swore in the letter, but I did use every single barb I could to make her as angry as I felt. People that know me can’t believe I can get like that, and I rarely do. People also forget that I have a degree in psychology, and that I have watched people since I was a . I know what bothers people and how to push buttons. I also know how to avoid problem subjects and work around them, eventually dealing with problems in a healthy way. But that day I was hurt and I wanted to hurt back.
Panty Girl was shocked. So was Grey after I showed him the letter. She wrote back once saying that she couldn’t understand why I had said such hurtful things. Grey read it and told me that he understood why I felt that way, but that I should never have gone there. He was the one that later noticed that her drinking had grown into a problem and got her to cut back severely.
I never responded to her email accusing me of being a jerk. I had said what I wanted to, and honestly I had been a jerk at that point so why deny it. It was a year later when out of nowhere she emailed me again. “Whatever I did I am sorry, I just miss talking to my friend”. For as long as that email was I read it a hundred times over two days before responding. We rebuilt the friendship. She moved out to Wyoming to be a teacher at an Indian Reservation. I got to hear about how every guy she dated was a jerk over the years. She has admitted on occasion that she screwed up in not pursuing me at the right times. I’ve admitted that I am guilty of the exact same thing.
We are good friends now. We talk online when we see each other on. I do wonder a lot about what could have been if I had played that night differently. There were a lot of things I should have done differently that summer.
I was recently talking to a new friend when she mentioned the good old days. I stopped and thought about this blog of mine, what I have been writing, some of it funny, some of it not so funny, and wondered how we look back and call anything the good old days. I have a photo collection of memories that are great, but will never be repeated. Experiences where I knew I should have done things different in hindsight. And now I talk about the good old days casually, wondering where they all went and were they really as good as I want them to be.
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Imzadi
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Posted:Jun 30, 2011 2:14 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2825 Views
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Imzadi. If you know your Star Trek really well you know what that means. That is the name one girl gave me over the course of our college years. It fits us both very well, so that is the name I am using for her here. I will warn you now though that this tale has almost no sex in it at all, but it is the reason my life turned out the way it has.
I met Imzadi at the Freshman orientation party. Grey and I had met up with another guy, we were playing cards, and a staff walked her into the room. This staff pointed out to her that we needed a fourth for Euchre (If you don’t know what Euchre is, I feel sorry for you). She reluctantly sat down and played with us. None of us knew each other at that point, yet by the end of the night we were all friends. Well, that isn’t entirely true, Imzadi and I had spent half of the night arguing, both of us convinced that we would not get along at all. The next day my one friend wanted to go and see her again, as I think he was initially smitten with her. I figured why not and went along. She was part of the group before any of us realized there was a group of friends.
She had a high school boyfriend. She went to college while he worked at a factory. He never called, never wrote or visited, and most of us hated him. Imzadi in many ways was protected like the sister of the group by most of us, not that we would ever say anything like that to her as she would have kicked our collective asses. But we all hated how he treated her and just assumed that she would wait for him.
One weekend we had a formal dance that she wanted him to come to, but his excuse was that he could not get a ride. My friends and I devised a plan where we would drive down, pick him up, have him stay the night with one of us in the male dorm and they could have the dance together. Imzadi wasn’t sure about it, but liked the idea. She knew that he would say no, but I needed to prove to her that he was going to say it. When the question is never asked, there is the hope that you would get the answer you want. She wanted him to give the right answer. I was very close to her as a friend, but I didn’t realize how close at the time. We finally convinced her to call her boyfriend.
I was getting ready to take a shower that night, wrapped up in my towel, when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and there was Imzadi. “He didn’t even try!” she yelled at me and ran down the hallway. I grabbed my shirt and started pulling on pants chasing after her. To be perfectly clear, here is what other people in the hallway saw: a young freshman, running away from my room, as I chased after her telling her to wait, while I was pulling on pants and a shirt while dropping my towel. Luckily Grey and my friend across the hallway had some idea of what was going on and stopped the football players from tackling me.
That was a few weeks before the summer break, where she broke up with him and informed me of that in a letter. At the end of our freshman year I had gone to one of the dances with a friend (Stripper girl from the photo project), and we had been writing each other over the summer to see if there was anything going on. Ultimately I came on too strong and she told me so (I totally blame William Shakespeare as a bad influence on my writing style at the time). So when Imzadi told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend I almost jumped for joy.
It was obvious to everyone else that Imzadi and I worked well together, despite our frequent arguing. We went almost everywhere on campus together, spent our free time together, I would walk her back to her dorm at night to make sure she was safe, everything that a boyfriend should do. Many people just assumed that we were dating, because otherwise what were we wasting our time on each other for. For all of our arguing, we always knew where we stood with each other, and that we were there when the other needed us. The arguing is why I think we became so close, neither of us was willing to put up with the other trying to exert control, but we were comfortable when someone won the argument and allowed the other person to be right (we never lost arguments, but would reluctantly allow the other person to be right).
Imzadi in many times was the voice of reason in my life. When I was doing something a little more beyond crazy than usual, she would reel me in. There were times where she would make herself sick working in classes and I forced her to take a break and relax. We needed each other, and we knew it.
By our Sophomore year I had finally decided I was tired of the are we or aren’t we questions from everyone else. To some extent I was sick of wondering as well. We had never stated anything formal, but it just felt implied. That was my biggest mistake. I took things for granted, different from what her previous boyfriend had done, but the same effect in retrospect.
I decided that I was going to head over and ask her to go on a real date that weekend. I met some friends between classes and someone else asked me (again) if we were dating. I joked through it, as I couldn’t say yes, but I couldn’t say no either. “Well, if you are going to ask her out you had better do it fast, because some other guy asked her out this morning.” I froze. “What did she say?” I asked. “I don’t know,” my friend replied.
I was sick most of the rest of the day with anger and jealousy. Who was this guy to be bothering her. Some freshman asking her out while we were both sophomores. And how did he know her anyway? She had to have told him no, right? She had better have told him no. These were all the thoughts racing through my head.
That night I went to visit with her as I did every night. We were in one of the main rooms like normal, playing ping pong like normal. I hardly said anything at all. Finally she brought it up. “I was asked out on a date earlier today.” I looked at her. “What did you answer?” She started back. “I told him I had to ask you first.”
Over the past 14 years I have replayed that night in my head. I have thought of everything I should have said, could have said, everything I did not say. Instead I got angry. Why I got angry I can’t really say. I was upset that she even had to ask me, that she wouldn’t just say no on her own. I was upset that she put it on me, trying to force a response. I don’t know why these things made me upset as this is exactly what I thought I wanted. I have long wondered if I just am not able to let myself be happy.
“I told him I had to ask you first” she said. “Why would you have to ask my permission?” I snarled. “You are an adult, I’m not your keeper.” We didn’t argue. We played with words, neither of us saying what we wanted to. Me trying to walk away and her not letting me. I look back and see how many chances she gave me and how many times I turned her down. Finally she let me go, and I did, cursing most of the way back to my room. We avoided each other for a few days, and when we did finally see each other again we went back to our normal routine like nothing had happened.
I felt stupid, but now she was dating this other guy. And I wanted to hate him so much. Other people in the group wanted to hate him because he had taken Imzadi away from me. We looked for reasons to hate him, and generated a few. I figured it was only a matter of time before she came to her senses and left him for not being as good to her as I thought he should be. He proposed to her in our Junior year, and she said yes.
Despite their dating, I still went to visit her every night. We walked all over campus all night long, discussing everything and nothing. I would point out his flaws, and she would defend him. It was almost a game. Then she said yes, and it wasn’t a game anymore. We did argue that night when I found out, and people had gone out of their way to make sure I didn’t find out that he was planning to ask, and that I didn’t know until a week later. After a long walk of a lot of anger with Imzadi, I finally asked “Is he going to take good care of you?” “He is.” “So long as you are happy that is all that matters.” She hugged me, and I hugged her back. She let me walk away.
By my senior year I finally came to the conclusion that all I had dreamed of with Imzadi was not to be. I learned that Panty Girl was interested in me, and that I had missed the boat obsessing over Imzadi for so long. Grey had come out of the closet, and he knew that I loved Imzadi deeply, and that I would never have that for him. I did date a girl my Senior year as I mentioned before, but truth be told I just needed someone to love me, I wasn’t able to love anyone else at that point.
I was an Usher at Imzadi’s wedding. This made some people nervous, but I did everything the way a best friend should. No movie interruption expressing true love. No happy ending disrupting an event months in planning. I sat in the back, watching, wondering what I did wrong.
I must admit now that Imzadi’s husband is one of the greatest guys I have ever known. He is one of my closest friends, and I know I can trust him to take care of her. When they had their first was very hard on me, as I kept looking at him thinking “you could have been mine”. Stupid and silly I know, but emotions are what they are.
I can’t blame anyone else for what stupid things I did. I can’t blame Imzadi for how I acted, because she gave me every chance to do the right things, and I couldn’t let it happen. She is still my best friend, and the first woman I truly loved, and still do love. I used to console myself as being Cyrano to her Roxanne, but that was just a young man’s justification for being foolish. I made many mistakes with her, and that is why I made more mistakes later on I think. At times I think most of my life has been one long string of mistakes where I learned all of the wrong things. Other times I think I learned all that I needed to to survive.
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Grey
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Posted:Jun 28, 2011 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2902 Views
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This story is about one of my best friends and roommates in college. I am calling him Grey because his favorite X-Man character was Jean Grey. One of the reasons we got along so well is that we both love comic books and we were both into X-Men at the time. Grey was the first person I met in college, and we became friends quickly. He was in Band and Choir getting a degree in performing arts. He had a high school girlfriend that he was engaged to and would go on and on about how she was the love of his life. Grey was my roommate my freshman and Junior year. Our Sophomore year he moved in with some Choir friends, ultimately hating that, and our Senior Year he got an apartment in town.
As I mentioned, Grey had a fiancé out of high school. We went to her college to visit her a few times, and she came to visit us a few times. When she came to visit us I would find someplace else to crash for the weekend or go home so that he could have some alone time with her. As we all joked about sex, one thing that he stated firmly that he would never try was anything near his ass. He took it very seriously and would get offended if someone pressed him on it. I was the one person who could get away with it (as pointed out in the anal vibrator story). One weekend when his fiancé visited he told me in confidence that while fooling around she had fingered his ass and that it was not as bad as he thought it would be. In retrospect I recognize this as the point where he accepted that part of himself. I don’t think it was anything conscious on his part, but there was a noticeable difference at that point.
Grey and his fiancé fought a lot over the phone. As I had seen with other couples they broke up and got back together over the phone at least once a week. By the end of our Freshman year it was over for good. He spent most of that summer talking to her, both trying to figure out what they were doing, but ultimately it was over. For most of his sophomore year he stayed in contact with her, and would complain about who she was dating at what time.
Through our sophomore year he dated a couple people in the arts department, all girls. The people he was best friends with he refused to date though. At the time none of us could figure out why he didn’t date people he got along with, let alone the one girl that wanted to date him. It wasn’t until our Junior year that things finally started to make some sense.
Our Junior Year Grey moved back into my room on campus. He was tired of the Choir group and wanted more privacy. He had fallen into depression mid-year, staying out until 3-4am and sleeping until after 1, skipping half of his classes. I would try waking him up and talking to him, but he assured me that he was fine and nothing was wrong. Others did the same thing, and one person just told me that she had it under control. All she said was that he had a personal issue, and that he was dealing with it. I didn’t push him on it, because when he was up he was in a good mood, but he had given up on college.
It was mid-year that I learned he was gay. I was talking to Panty girl one day and she said that Grey had asked some guy out at the bar last night. I looked at her and asked her what she had said. She got real anxious, and stated that she thought I knew already. I lied and stated that of course I knew, I was just surprised that he had asked someone out. So everyone from that point on assumed that I knew, which now did. Grey did not tell me until the end of our Junior year.
At the time, the closest comic book shop was almost an hour’s drive away. By the end of the year, someone had mentioned to him that I knew he was gay. He knew that he had never told me, and I never brought it up. We had been doing this trip every week together, normally just the two of us, for almost three years at that point. I had learned he was gay a few months previously. I knew that something was bothering him as he was very quiet. Finally he just asked “So how long have you known?” I told him how long, and that I had learned accidently. He followed up with why didn’t I say anything. I told him that I knew he would tell me when he felt the time was right. He smiled a little. The confession came out in bursts. He was scared to death of losing me as a friend, afraid that we would lose our trips to the comic shop and all over the place. By the end he admitted that he loved me, and he knew that I didn’t love him that way and never would. I assured him that no matter what we were always going to be friends, and that the right guy was out there for him someplace.
Surprisingly, things went back to normal for us fairly quickly. He started dating one of my friends in the tech department. We all hung out all the time. Once he knew that I wasn’t leaving him so to speak, he relaxed more. He did move to an apartment off camps his senior year, but that was so that he could have his boyfriend over all night long if he wanted and no one could say anything to him (ultimately they broke up, but they still remain friends today).
Some people when I tell this story ask if I fooled around with Grey, and the answer is no. Could I have if I had wanted, sure. At the time I didn’t know what I wanted from life. I was experimenting on my own, following a delusion of love that never bore any fruit. Looking back do I wish I had done more? Maybe.
It was at a friend’s party my senior year that we almost did. She wanted to watch two guys have sex. She had seen porn but wanted to see it in person. Knowing that Grey was gay and that his boyfriend was there she asked him to fool around in the back room. Then she asked me if I would fool around with them. Grey looked at me waiting for a response. And I thought about it. It would have been my first sexual experience with another person, in front of a crowd of friends cheering me on, Everyone accepting and encouraging, with a friend that I loved and trusted. For some reason I said no and laughed it off. There is no telling how different my life would have been if I had done it. Ultimately at that party everyone kept their clothes on. I still look back and wonder how different things would have been if I had said yes, because I really wanted to at the time.
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College Years - The last flash
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Posted:Jun 25, 2011 7:52 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 12:27 pm
2687 Views
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As I mentioned before, the innocent girl had promised Flashlight Girl that she would come to my room and flash me. I honestly thought it was something that she had said to get everyone to leave her alone. The next day I was working on some last minute Final Paper that I had put off. There was a knock at my door and I said to come on in, focusing largely on my 20 page paper.
The freshman came into my room and closed the door behind her. She looked right at me and point blank said that she was here to show her breasts to me like she promised. At first I did not know what to say. I stammered that she did not need to if she did not want to, u she insisted that she wanted to. I closed the blinds to my room and asked her to lock the door. I wasn’t sure what was going on.
She came closer to me as I was sitting at my computer desk. She was wearing a green T-Shirt which she slowly pulled off, revealing a white camisole under it. She pulled that over her head revealing the white bra. I remember thinking how could she wear all of that and still be comfortable. She then reached behind her back, unfastened the bra, and let it fall to the floor.
She stood in front of me bare chested. I stared for a minute, not at all sure what to do next. She asked me if I liked them, and I replied that they were” very nice”. I had a friend tell me later that was the entirely wrong response for that situation, and I can’t argue with him I hindsight.
She seemed a little disappointed as I just stared. I felt like a deer in the headlights, really just stunned and unsure of what to do next. After a minute she reached down, picked up her bra, and began to get dressed. When she finished I said thank you, as I had no idea what the proper protocol for this situation was. She smiled and said that she was happy that she had done that, and then left.
I probably sat there for an hour before returning to my paper trying to figure out what happened. Being the genius that I am, I couldn’t figure it out. I had a friend tell me a week later that the girl had a crush on me, and that she was practically throwing herself at me. Other people that I have told the story to agree that she wanted me to make a move, which I completely missed at the time.
We are still friends, and I see her at holiday parties that other friends hold. We never talk about that afternoon. She has moved on and gotten married. She is happy with her life now. I have been tempted to ask her about it sometimes, or even apologize for being such an idiot. I had never had someone come on to me like that before, and had such a low self image at the time that I could not believe that she was interested in me. I don’t think I will ever really discuss it with her. For me it was a realization that someone could be attracted to me the more I thought about it. I don’t know what it was to her, or if she ever thinks about it.
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