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Posted:Jul 20, 2018 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2018 7:17 am

If you want a skylight in your bedroom but you can't afford it just sleep standing up against a wall facing a window .

Did you know that Twister was the second highest grossing film in 1996 ? I didn't . The appeal of that movie was inexpiable to at the time . It still is .

40 , what other movies came out that and what are you thoughts on them ?

glad you asked .

I didn't see ANY movies in January . I watched part of From Dusk Till Dawn on TV once but it didn't hook into watching more than a few minutes . There's a ton of sequels to that movie which I assume are all awful which makes me wonder , did Quentin Tarentino not own the rights to that movie or did he sign off on those sequels ? Neither seems very Terentinoy . Can you image if they did that will all his movies ? I can .

In February Happy Gilmore came out . Along with Punch-Drunk Love the only good thing Adam Sandler ever did - which hey two good movies is nothing to sneeze at . Two more than most of us you know ? And a young Julie Bowen ? Check please if you know what I mean . And I feel like you do .

Also that month Mr. Wrong , possible the only movie Ellen DeGeneres was the star of ? Why did I see this movie ? I went to meet my friend Zombo at the movie theater where he worked because we were going to do something , I forget what , but he had some long complicated mildly nonsensical reason why he couldn't leave right away - classic Zombo . So I went and watched that movie while he did whatever . There was one other dude in theater and he left immediately after the credits were done and the movie started . Not a good movie but not awful . "Stolen beer tastes better" is what I learned from Bill Pullman in that movie .

Next that month , Mary Reilly - I went to see this because I heard it was a retelling of Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde . I guess ? I know it sucked hard . That's about all I remember .

Next Unforgettable - This movie is a mess . Ray Liotta starts injected the memories of his dead wife into himself to try and solve a murder case . This movie seems like something my buddies and I would have come up with when were 10 - it's just bonkers . Is Ray Liotta a terrible actor ? I can't tell . Is he even an actor ? It seems like he's just being Ray Liotta most of the time . Plus side I think there was some Linda Fiorentino side boob .

March - Down Periscope - I have no idea why I went to see this . It looked awful and it was . Is this Kelsey Grammer's only starring role in a movie ?

Up Close and Personal - Again I have no idea why I went to see this . I mean not a bad movie but not really the kind of movie for the 18 demographic . All I remember is the scene where Michelle Pfeifer is in the prison during the riot and they guy is going to (banned topic) her but Robert Reford tells her to get the guy on camera so then he doesn't . Which seems dubious . Do you think they aged-up Michelle Pfeiffer for Ant-Man ? I couldn't tell if she had kind of crummy " person" make up on or if that's just how she looks now . Oh wait , I remember I went to see this with my buddy Pinecone and his GF - not sure why they often invited on their dates . It was kind of weird .

The Birdcage - Fabulous . Maybe the only Robin Williams movie I like ? No , World According to Garp . Oh , and the Fisher King . I guess I don't dislike Robin Williams as much as I thought . Dead Poets Society is one of my most hated movies though .

Fargo - The best . I cannot believe the bullshit English Patient beat this movie out for best picture . Fuck you English Patient .

Diabolique - I think I went to see this because it was about two hot chicks making out and I was 18 and got to see movies for free . They tried to frame dude for murder maybe ? I mean it was a movie with Chazz Palmentari in it , so . . .

Flirting with Disaster - Loved it ! Ben Stiller's only good movie ? Maybe . And a young Tea Leoni ? Call me a cab you know what I mean ?

Sergeant Bilko - This movie made me sad because I thought up until this point that Steve Martin was gold . I as disabused of that notion . Bad

April - Fear - Not to be confused with PRIMAL Fear which came out the same week . Markie-Mark is an obsessed boyfriend I think . Meh . This movie had Reese Witherspoon , Amy Brenneman and Alyssa Milano in it which is the only thing that made it weak instead of awful . I think this the movie that launched Mark-Mark's career , such as it is . He murdered a guy IRL right ?

James and the Giant Peach - I think I went and saw this because I thought it would be like Nightmare Before Christmas . It was not . I think I left right before the end . Not really the right demographic .

The Substitute - Yeah . . . . no . The white teacher saving black kids movie has been made at least 7000 times , but this one has guns and explosions ! The scene where Tom Beringers's wife gets attacked by the kids kind of freaked me out . Students can beat up teachers ?! I was shocked . Tells you a bit about the world I grew up in eh ?

Mulholland Falls - It was 'okay' . It's for sure the movie I most often think is a different movie based on the title .

The Truth About Cats and Dogs - Yipes . I went to see this because I had a crush on Jeanene Garafalo . This movie didn't quite cure me of that but it started me down that path . There's a phone sex scene that I found horribly awkward and scarred me for life .

May - Barb Wire . This is one of only FOUR movies I've walked out of . Why did I go and see it ? Because it was a comic book movie back when comic book movies NEVER happened . I knew it would suck because Pam Anderson , but for reals five minutes in I says to Moochie "can we bail or what ?"

The Craft - Meh . This probably would probably have been decent if not for the fact that every girl in school LOVED it , so I got annoyed about having to hear about it all the time and knicked it down a notch .

The Great White Hype - Loved it .

Last Dance - I never saw Dead Man Walking so I thought this was a pretty good movie . That used to happen , a pretty good movie came out around the same time as a much better movie about the same thing so everyone hated it . Doesn't seem to happen anymore . Collusion I guess .

Twister - Not a fan

Boys - I remember this movie making no sense , not in terms of a stupid or confusing plot it just seemed like it had been edited by a chimp . I found out later this movie got really screwed up - the studio didn't like it so they tried to change it into a comedy after the fact . It may not even technically be a movie .

Heaven's Prisoners - Weak ass . I think I went and saw it because Teri Hatcher was fully nude in it and I was 18 . Keep in mind this was back in the days before porn was ubiquitous so you can't judge me TOO much . But you can judge .

Mission Impossible - It was decent

The Arrival - Meh . My buddy Ropeire is an extra in this movie , he's smoking by the ambulance .

Dragonheart - It was okay . I mean there was a dragon and I was into fantasy stuff so sure .

June - The Phantom - Not good . But a young Catherine Zeta-Jones . You put your hat on for that you know ? They gave out skull rings when you went to see this movie - I have five of them . They are awesome . And yes , I will be 41 in two weeks .

The Cable Guy - I love this movie . I don't get why people hate it . The only good Jim Carey Movie ? No , Truman Show .

Moll Flanders - One of my top most hated movies ever . I wanted to leave so bad but I didn't drive so I was stuck there and for some reason Hernandez wanted to see the whole thing . It might actually be an okay movie but definitely not a good choice for an 18 boy .

Lone Star - Great movie

July - The Frighteners , good movie

Multiplicity - I love this movie but I admit that it's not good . I was really into the idea of cloning at the time so this was right up my cornshoot . My favorite part is all the clones bang Andie McDowell , even the subhuman one , and then the original guy is like "WTF clones !"

A Time To Kill - glad they're dead and I hope they burn in hell ! Good movie . I ashamed to admit that for a long time I thought this movie was based on To Kill A Mockingbird because I never read it in school . Later I did read it and I was like "huh" .

Kingpin - Some of this movie is great . Some of it is a dude taking a dump in a urinal . So . . . mixed bag . I say this , I love Bill Murray in this movie .

August - Chain Reaction - Meh

The Fan - I like this movie . I might be one of the few people that does . I mean the scene at the end where the dude is going to kill the guy's son unless he hits a home run ? That's messed up . You know how hard it is to hit a home run ?

Bordello of Blood - Tits .

The Island of Dr. Moreau - Ugh , terrible . I wish they had made this story into a decent movie just once . These writers should visit the House of Pain .

Solo - A cyborg fights a drug cartel . Yep .

A Very Brady Sequel - I liked this movie . Eat a dick haters .

Carpool - Lame

Crow 2 - City of Angels - Like all teenage dirtbags at the time I LOVED the original Crow . LOVED it . Like I was IN love with it . This movie was of course garbage . My buddy Steve the Virgin said at the time "it wasn't so bad" . So for the past 22 my buddy NorthStar says at least once a month to Steve the Virgin "What do you know , you liked Crow City of Angels" .

September - Bogus - I want to blast this movie for being a piece of shit but I mean it's my own fault . Why did I go see it ? I knew what it was . This one was on me .

Last Man Standing - Weak

2 Days in the Valley - At the time many of my friends were taking film and media classes at the local community college and they talked about how great this movie was because of bullshit filmmaking crap . It was OK .

October - That Thing You Do ! No

Bound - I think I saw this because it had lesbians and I was 18 .

Ghost and the Darkness - I love this movie . Those lions were heroes . If more animals had attacked humanity when they still had a chance things might be better . And now it's too late .

The Long Kiss Goodnight - It was okay . I think Geena Davis said "Hump" in it .

The Chamber - Barf

Sleepers - Yeah . . . . good I guess ? Wince

High School High - Jon Lovitz as the lead ? What did you expect ?

Thinner - I wish I could get cursed for a few days you know ?

November - Romeo and Juliet . Good movie , better soundtrack . Romeo thou art a villain ! A curse on both your houses !

Larger Than Life - Bill Murry and Jeanene Garafalo and Linda Fiorentino to boot ? Too bad it sucked .

Ransom - Pretty good , I like the concept .

Set It Off - Women robbing a bank ? Awesome . Awesome to the max . And this was back in the days when women didn't do anything . Good soundtrack too .

The Mirror Has Two Faces - Nope

Star Trek First Contact - Not great . They felt they had to put Shatner in there otherwise people wouldn't know it was Star Trek . Cowards .

The Crucible - Good stuff

Slingblade - Great stuff . That movie really shook me up for a while .

Adrenaline Fear the Rush - Bahahahahahaha . Oh Chris Lambert .

Daylight - Lame

Mars Attacks ! - I love this movie I don't care what anyone says .

Scream - Actually a pretty good movie . I liked Drew Barrymore dying right away . That was a slap in the face .
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
Posted:Jul 17, 2018 5:09 pm
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2018 4:25 pm

Classic , I was too busy to blog for a few weeks and my watchers went up . Then when someone reminded me I had a blog and started posting again they went back down . I guess I'm only interesting in theory . Which checks out .

You know what I've noticed ? People on the TV and in movies and whatnot love having sex against walls . Does that ever happen in real life ? I assume they do it because it's easier to frame the shot - I mean two people lying in bed ? That's a nightmare for lighting and for camera angle - which is why they always have porn stars banging on a couch .

Did you know that in the 1300's it was common to have two beds , one for sleeping and one for sex ? It was considered quite uncouth to have sex in your sleeping bed and vice versa .

One time the WWE had this show Tough Enough . Well several times actually , but I'm just talking about the first time when it was kind of good not the 3 terrible times they tried to bring it back with a different format . It was a pretty simple concept - people off the street trying to learn how to wrestle and make the big time . One of the first things they would do , which is a common thing in wrestling schools , is they would weed out all the "dreamers" by doing 500 squats and then running 5 miles , then a bunch of push-ups and sit-ups , then another run , then more whatever and on and on - which would thin out the herd pretty quickly .

The deal was if you couldn't keep up you were out UNLESS you were really hurt in which case you could go see the doctor and if they said it was okay you could come back . There was this one dude who had a great body , looked like a million bucks , but obviously he just worked out his glamor muscles and did no cardio because he was gassed after like 10 minutes . So he went to see the doctor and the doctor said "you're fine get back out there" and he did and then after a few more minutes he went back to the doctor and so on and so forth . After he did this a few times the trainer dude came back and started chewing his ass and told him to either stay out there or quit .

And the dude was all defiant and angry and kept shouting "I'll show you ! I'll never give up ! I'll show you !" And then 20 minutes later he gave up .

I think about that guy sometimes because I feel like a goodly amount of people are very much like that . They think they're the scrappy underdog who's going to defy the odds but they're probably not - they're mostly like the story of a guy (or gal) who started at the bottom , stayed at the bottom and then ended up at the bottom . I mean there are inspirational stories of people defying the odds and doing amazing things but the reason they're so inspirational is because that's rare .

Not sure why I bring this up . Just something that was on my mind .

I could probably be fairly described as self-deprecating (if anyone where to bother to describe me amiright ? zing ! ) which as far as annoying personality traits isn't so bad . I mean it only really effects me .


Thanks to our good friends at Cosmo I have learned otherwise . Turns out that self-deprecation is just ANOTHER tool used by men to manipulate women . I'm part of the problem it turns out ! I guess I should have known .

You see I've come to find out that hyper-aware self-mockery is a way for men to lower women's expectations . The kicker is that it's all Judd Apatow's fault somehow . I didn't quite grasp how but I feel like Cosmo knows what it's talking about . Oh wait , that's good though because it means that I'm NOT part of the problem because Judd Apatow made me do it . Yay ! I shifted that blame nicely . But I still suck so don't expect much from me when we date for 3 years and I whine the whole time about how I'm not good enough for you .

Some lady said this about that 'Some of the most thoughtful, liberal, egalitarian men I know have trouble swallowing this issue — they get defensive, tabulate how many dishes they've washed, frame the argument as a hacky, divisive, "men suck/women rock" feminist caricature.'

As it happens men suck/women rock caricature is an important arsenal in the campaign to hold women down . You see what you do is you bang your girlfriend's nail lady (pedicurist ? I'm too dumb to know what's called so don't expect much from me) and when she finds out you give her a speech about how weak and horrible men and how all women are Diana of Troy aka Wonder Woman and they're so powerful and awesome you just couldn't handle it so you made a mistake and put your cock in a half-Vietnamese lady's asshole .

And then said girlfriend ceases the search for legitimate discussion and turns to the programmatic feminine role of soothing male anxiety . And it works ! Because the woman who wants to believe she can show the guy she loves a side of himself he has never seen . "Oh Jimmy , you're not a bad person . I really do love and admire you. " And then wango-bango you're back humping the nail lady in no time flat .

That Judd Apatow is a real shitbird for creating this . Next time I see him at Monica's on Wilshire I'm going to kick him in the nuts . I'll probably fail though because I suck so bad at everything . Sniff , sniff .
Quadruple penetration
Posted:Jul 16, 2018 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2018 4:36 pm

You know how when you're driving on a residential 2 lane street and parking is allowed on one side of the street so it's really basically a one lane street and when a car is coming down the side of the street where there's no parking you move aside by the parked cars and let it pass but you don't really get ALL the way over because you just need to create enough room for the one car going the other way ?

Good .

So I was doing that today and the numbskull behind decided that he was going to go AROUND instead of waiting . There's certainly not enough room for three cars on a 2 lane street which is why I was waiting , and yet he felt totally fine trying to jam FOUR cars in there . Spoiler alert ;





I've seen a lot of dum-dums do a lot of dum-dum driving maneuvers - to the point where I would wager heavily that aliens studying earth probably report back to alien boss that the main thing humans do is drive around making bad decisions - but that is possible the dum-dummiest dum-dum maneuver I've ever seen .

Do you ever want to say to people "Did you know that your car is solid ? And as such cannot occupy the same space as another solid object ?" Because a significant number of people don't seem to be able to grasp that . Maybe there's more ghost cars on the road than I realize .

Remember back in August of '83 when Mr. Saito wailed on Hulk Hogan ? I do . It's one of my fondest childhood memories . I watched a documentary recently about a billionaire gay guy using Hulk Hogan as his puppet to destroy Gawker because they outed him as gay and in said documentary the gay co-founder of Gawker said that outing gay people is totally fine and even desirable because being in the closet empowers homophobia because it send the message that gay dudes are ashamed of their own lifestyle .

not sure what to think about .

At various points in my life people have accused of being smart which really annoys because not . It's like when people tell fat people that they're not fat or uggos that they're not ugly - I mean I guess they're trying to be nice but it just pisses me off . Stupids and fatties and uggos know what they are - don't try to blow smoke up their fat stupid ugly asses you know ?

A smart person is someone who comes up with something like retained asset accounts - that person is smart . Evil . But smart . They figured out a way to make money off PAYING claims . That's the kind of thing a smart person does . Not only that but they came up with this clearly evil idea and then they came up with a way to make it seem not evil - like they're helping people . That's smart . And not only that but then they convinced the people they're ripping off that it's good for THEM . That's super smart .

I feel like most smartness is probably used for evil because you really don't need to be crafty to be good you know ? Don't be a jerk to people , that's a pretty simple concept that most people can grasp (actually doing it is something else altogether) but figuring out new ways for corporations to screw people over and then make those people think it's good for them , you need to have some brainpower for that .

In other news at work trying to take away everyone's Mifi device but some people won't give them up because they say they can't always get reception on their phone . But the Mifi is on the same network so that makes no sense .
If the ghost of JFK told you to expose yourself in public would you do it ?
Posted:Jul 14, 2018 5:57 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2018 6:27 pm

I probably wouldn't . I mean the dude was dead for a decade and a half before I was born so I was never into him like some people were . And I bet even those people wouldn't now , because A that was a long time ago and B now everyone knows more about how he was kind of a dirty bitch . But I would bet in the 70s and maybe the 80s a lot of people would whip out their junk on a crowded street if the spirit of JFK told them to . I think he still had enough cache then to pull that off .

I wonder in today's fast paced modern world what celebrity could tweet "hey everyone run outside naked next Friday" and get the most people do it .

Whenever you're watching Piranha 7 or Lake Placid 13 or Megashark VS Supergator VS Tori Spelling 2 or Bikini Beach Massacre 8 and there's a party scene on the beach with hundreds of hot babes do you ever wonder where all the babes come from ? I mean there's lots of women who want to be actresses but just logistically how could you find so many hotties and wrangled them all to the same beach for shooting ? Most of the guys are pretty good looking too but I assume they just show up naturally once the babes are there .

If I was one of those women I'd have a real attitude about it . "I did full frontal in Terror Blood Death Lake 9 The Head Severing ! You show me so FUCKING respect !!!"

You know when you're watching Saw 55 or Turistas 4 or Hot Chicks Being Tortured 9 or Funny Games or the Strangers or Wrong turn and an actual actor turns in instead of some horror movie nobody , do you ever wonder why they took that role ? Is it fun to do a movie where ever scene is you ugly crying and screaming in a thong and a camisole ? I mean if you're going to make a horrible movie , and if you're a famous actor you are , why wouldn't you at least chose a terrible movie that would be more fun ?

I remember Sandra Bullock saying once in an interview that actors do take movie roles that they know will suck just because they want to work and most movies suck . It's a strange concept .

You know what I think about sometimes ? Meryl Streep doing porn . Not because I super want to see Meryl Streep getting slammed by some dude with a massive dong (although I'd watch it of course) but because I think people would lose their minds . The scenario I envision is that Meryl Steep is all like "I've done pretty much everything an actress can do , except one thing . . . ." And I don't mean a Hollywood movie about porn or like a documentary about porn , I mean Meryl Streep in a straight up porn - Naught Nurses 16 or Backdoor Sluts 32 or Whale Tails 701 .

So if that ever happens I thought of it first .

I wonder what the worst movie she was ever in was . Probably She-Devil .

You ever have a memory just pop into your head apropos of nothing ? A few weeks ago out of the blue I remembered back when I was in college and I was in town on the weekend hanging out in the bowling alley parking lot because that's what we did in the period after all my friends were too self-conscious to play games anymore but before they realized that life is too short to not do things you wanted to do .

Anyway , we're hanging around the bowling alley parking lot doing a whole lot of nothing and the police came and arrested this dude I knew a little bit called Rosey . That wasn't his real name but I can't remember why people called him that . Some stupid "inside joke" that had something to do with sex . I never saw him again after that day . We weren't close but he was one of those friends of a friends who you see all the time but don't really know you know ? And then the police take him away and I never see him again .

So maybe he had done something bad enough that he actually went to prison . Or his girlfriend had just dumped him that day so maybe he was super depressed and did himself in .

You want to know how they broke up ? Too bad I'm going to tell you anyway . He had cooked something for lunch for them which you know is a pretty sweet move when you're 20 and she was totally swept off her feet . So much so that she took some kind of frosting off a desert he had made and put it on his chest and face and started licking it off . So then he made the move to start the sexing and she got mad and it turned into a big fight .

I don't want to be one of "those" guys but I feel like you shouldn't lick frosting off someone unless you're DTF .

Anyway I asked a couple people that knew him better back then and no one saw Rosey again after that day . Wouldn't it be crazy if the cops just drove him out on the woods and shot him ?

Also it's weird to think there was a time in my life when people could just disappear and no one really commented on it . Truly young people are self centered monsters . Just like old people . And middle aged people .

Speaking of , I was at an exhibit about 1968 at the Minneapolis History Museum and one of the displays had an excerpt from a book written at the time about how America was addicted to gun violence . It seemed very timely 50 years later and I remembered it for several days - long enough to write it down so I could post in my blog like the attention slut I am , but I had written it on the back of the envelop for my water bill and I threw it away without realizing .

I don't remember the name of the book so I tried to look it up but there a TON of books about all the crazy stuff that went down in 68 .
Boring safety post
Posted:Jul 13, 2018 2:12 pm
Last Updated:Jul 15, 2018 10:59 am

There’s a clever new twist on an old email scam that could serve to make the con far more believable . The message purports to have been sent from a hacker who’s compromised your computer and used your webcam to record a video of you while you were watching porn . The missive threatens to release the video to all your contacts unless you pay a Bitcoin ransom . The new bit ? The email now references a real password previously tied to the recipient’s email address .

The basic elements of this sextortion scam have been around for some time and usually the only thing that changes is the Bitcoin address that frightened targets can use to pay the amount demanded . But this one begins with an unusual opening salvo :

“I’m aware that (whatever) is your password” reads the salutation

The rest is rote :

You don’t know me and you’re thinking why you received this e mail right ?
Well , I actually placed a malware on the porn website and guess what, you visited this web site to have fun (you know what I mean) . While you were watching the video , your web browser acted as a RDP (Remote Desktop) and a keylogger which provided me access to your display screen and webcam . Right after that , my software gathered all your contacts from your Messenger , Facebook account and email account

What exactly did I do?

I made a split-screen video. First part recorded the video you were viewing (you’ve got a fine taste haha) and next part recorded your webcam (Yep ! It’s you doing nasty things ! )

What should you do ?

Well , I believe $1400 is a fair price for our little secret . You’ll make the payment via Bitcoin to the below address (if you don’t know this , search “how to buy bitcoin” in Google) .


You have 24 hours in order to make the payment. I have an unique pixel within this email message and right now I know that you have read this email . If I don’t get the payment , I will send your video to all of your contacts including relatives , coworkers , and so forth . Nonetheless , if I do get paid , I will erase the video immediately . If you want evidence , reply with “Yes” and I will send your video recording to your 5 friends . This is a non-negotiable offer , so don’t waste my time and yours by replying to this email .

It is likely that this improved sextortion attempt is at least semi-automated : Theory is that the perpetrator has created some kind of script that draws directly from the usernames and passwords from a given data breach at a popular Web site that happened more than a decade ago and that every victim who had their password compromised as part of that breach is getting this same email at the address used to sign up at that hacked Web site .

In addition as this scam gets refined even more , perpetrators will begin using more recent and relevant passwords and perhaps other personal data that can be found online to convince people that the hacking threat is real . That’s because there are a number of shady password lookup services online that index billions of usernames and passwords stolen in some of the biggest data breaches to date .

Also , an industrious scammer could simply execute this scheme using a customer database from a freshly hacked Web site , emailing all users of that hacked site with a similar message and a current , working password . Tech support scammers also may begin latching onto this method as well .

According to the FBI , here are some things you can do to avoid becoming a victim :

-Never send compromising images of yourself to anyone , no matter who they are — or who they say they are .

-Don’t open attachments from people you don’t know , and in general be wary of opening attachments even from those you do know .

-Turn off and/or cover any web cameras when you are not using them .

If you believe you’re a victim of sextortion , or know someone else who is , the FBI wants to hear from you : Contact your local FBI office .
Why is it so hard to count your blessings and so easy to be a whiny bitch ?
Posted:Jun 26, 2018 6:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2018 2:14 pm

When I got to work this morning I pulled into a parking place and before I even had the door open these two older (not old) dudes came out of nowhere and said "That spot is reserved !" like it was a Defcon 1 situation . So I says to them I says "How do you know it's not reserved for me ?" And the look of completely disdain that come over the one guy's face was soul neutering (hey come out to TJ Shenanigan's this Friday to see my band Soul Neutering with special guest Spelunking on Pluto) . How could anything EVER be reserved for a worthless sack of whale shit like me ?

Some older dudes are clearly hardcases and could wail on a soft middle age sponge like myself easily - there's a dude in my department that does all the wiring and construction require for the IT department and he's like a catcher's mitt with legs . I wouldn't mess with that guy . But these two were your standard flabby pathetic older dudes . I could have easily beaten them both to death . EASILY . But I didn't . Because I rarely do anything I want to .

For the record I wasn't parking in a reserved spot on purpose , my "new" job has a parking lot with an insane system for reserved spots with stars and letters and numbers and different kinds of triangles and different things mean different things on different days and some things only mean things on certain holidays and so on and so on . This should have been a first warning to me how this place is run because first of all there's like 9 people that work in the office and second of all pretty much all the spots are the same and third of all who gives a fuck ?

Such as at my old building that had THOUSANDS of people in it a reserved spot was just BARELY worth caring about . At this place ? Get over yourself . One of the many things that annoys me is how little power is required for people to get a big head . There's people in my office that clearly think they're king shit of fuck mountain and I want to say to them "You realized your position in this rinky-dink nothing organization that's basically going out of business is about as prestigious as being assigned to guard a jar of mayonnaise right ?" But I don't because I rarely do anything I want .

When I was leaving work I stopped at a red light and I had my windows down and Possessed By Paul James ''There Will Be Nights When I'm Lonely' was playing and two construction workers heard it and looked at each other and glanced at me and snorted and said (BANNED HATE SPEECH) . Now obviously I couldn't take them on like I could the phlebitis-ridden older dudes but I could have run them over with my car . What I would have done is circled around and came at them from the north because if I had just gunned it right then they would have scampered out of the way most likely . But if I came at them straight on from the blindside I could have crushed their brains out with my tires . I doubt anyone would have seen it either . And then I could have shown up at their funerals and thrown rocks at their wives and kids for having such a shit husband/father . But I didn't . Because I rarely do anything I want .

But I'm not complaining because I have it pretty good you know ?

In other news there's a fellow by the name of Clive (he's English so it's okay that's his name) who's a retired math teacher and he wanted to do something in his retirement to help the community . So what does he do ? He drives around in a van and jerks off in front of people's houses . But he's not a creep because they want his semen .

You see he puts it in a syringe and holds it under his armpit to keep it warm while he takes it up to the house and hands it over . Because apparently IVF is super expensive and a lot of people can't afford fancy doctor provided sperm . The part is , according to the article anyway , that the way the law works in the UK is that since he's not making his donation through an authorized clinic he is the legal father of all these kids .

How many ? 74 at least count .

And why doesn't he donate through a clinic ? Because they won't let him . First of all he's too old - which increases the chance of birth defects . Secondly he has a family history of mental illness . Thirdly he has a family history of heart defects . Don't worry though , once he's had 100 kids this way he's going to stop .

You know who doesn't care for this project of his ? His wife . And his kids (his non-jerk off van kids) . No word on what his grandkids think of it .

This guy drives around in a van masturbating and he's a hero - but when my uncle Jackson does it . . .
Soft rock bottom
Posted:Jun 24, 2018 5:02 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2018 2:16 pm
Time for more Tales from the Grocery Store .

I had an online training class today at 8 so I had to hurry and get my grocery shopping done this morning at 7 . I was in such a rush I forgot BBQ sauce . I’ll have to dip into my reserves .

Point is that I don’t usually pay attention to the generic music they play (which is the point of said music being generic) but a few seconds after I walked in I said to myself “are they playing Swedish House Mafia?” I thought my ears were playing tricks on me (like when the make blood come out , oh ears , you scamps) but then the next song was Knife Party . Clearly some EDM person got a hold of the PA system . I saw an employee and I gestured vaguely upwards (you know towards the music) and was like “yeah man” and he scowled and hurried away .

So I get up to the checkout line (always good for an anecdote – what will I talk about when Amazon automates grocery shopping ? ) and there’s a dude there that clearly grabbed some random employee and was going NUTS about which lanes were open . Four lanes were open but not the RIGHT four lanes . The punchline is the dude wasn’t even there to buy anything , he just came in for the attached Starbucks . He really cared about the lane situation though .

Item #3 – the checkout girl was boobing out like crazy and has happens from time to time she had a cross necklace hanging about said boobs . I always find that interesting . Perhaps I’m being provincial but I feel like showing off your rack and caring a lot about the crucifixion and resurrection of our sweet Lord and savior Jesus Christ are kind of on opposite sides of the spectrum . It’s a pretty smart move if you want to spread the word . You know people are going to look at your tits , why not do a little something to spread the gospel while you’re at it ?

There’s a band called the Cypress Hill . In their hit song “Cock the Hammer” there’s a lyric that goes “I’m a chicken hawk hunting for a chicken” . I always thought that a chickenhawk was an older gay dude that liked trolling for hot young studs . Which I always found mildly confusing because it seemed strange for a rapper in 1990 to be openly talking about gay sex . But the internet came to the rescue . What that lyric was supposed to be about is a “chickenhead” sometimes just called a “chicken” which is woman that likes to suck dick . Which makes more sense . For 90’s music .

Remember that time on the Office when Michael was talking about how an office without a boss is like a chicken without a head and he goes “What I need is a chickenhead” ? I do .

Last of the Mohicans has been on rotation on the TV lately so I’ve been watching bits of it here and there because I like that movie . It’s almost two hours long but it zips right by because the bulk of the story takes place in the course of a couple hours . Anyway the point is I got the book a few days ago and started reading it and it’s pretty weak . I never seem to like “the classics” and I finally figured out why , which is probably something else that everyone else already knows but I’m a bit slow you know .

Mohicans (comma Last of) was written in 1826 . I’m sure at the time the main character was written as a totally cool dude but through my modern eyes he’s just a jackass . A boring jackass . And I think that’s just the way it is for books written in Ye Olden Times .

I saw some clickbait yesterday about how to survive in a job you hate until retirement and I took said bait . But as per usual I was disappointed because this article was about if you were a few months or years away from retirement . Fat lot of good that does me . I guess there’s no tricks to what you should do if you’re decades away from retirement and you hate your job .

I read it anyway and it was stupid , there was only one point that they rephrased 5 different ways and the point was “just be happy instead” . Yeah , thanks pal . In the “Related Articles” section there was one about how you should retire as soon as you can afford it . Yeah , no shit . Do they think there’s people who just forget to retire ?
I'm a lawyer focusing on Australian train sex laws
Posted:Jun 19, 2018 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2018 4:48 pm
A dude in Australia got busted for getting a blowjob on a train . Interestingly the blower did not get arrested . I suppose the blowee was indecent exposuring but she's fine ? The only conclusion I can draw is that it's fine to bang in public in Australia as long as no can see the naught bits . Which seems about right based on what I know of Australia .

Anyway , that's not even the important part . The important part is that the dude dumped a bottle of Coke (always Coca-Cola ! ) on his crotch afterwards in an attempt to clean up because he didn't want his girlfriend to find out .

That seems like a massively terrible idea . How is pouring sticky soda on your dick going to anything ? And he must not have had anything to wipe if off with because otherwise he would have used that thing to clean up his junk in the first place . When he got off the train he was still flapping his cock in the breeze so he was air-drying . Maybe he thought the coke would disintegrate the semen like Boba Fett frying rebel spies but if he did would he have gotten away with it ? I guess he could claim he spilled the Coke but if your man came home with a whole bottle of Coke down his pants wouldn't you think "He must be covering up a blowjob !" ? I would .

Did you know that Prince wrote "Nothing Compared 2U" ? I didn't . Not only that but he recorded and released in 5 before the Sinead version . So technically it's a cover song . Is it the most successful cover of all time ? No , that's "All Along the Watchtower" .

I like that song , ergo I must attack it .

"It's been hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away"

Is that the timestamp from them the song was written ? Writing a song can take a long time . Maybe they started writing right after the break-up and it took that long to write . It should be updated every time the song is ed right ? It's been 7 hours and 10226 days since you took your love away .

Also just because you dump some doesn't mean you don't love them . Sometimes it's because you love them TOO much . You know ?

"I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away"

What about work ? Unless they work nights , in which case this doesn't seem so bad at all . Unless they're saying they're hurt so bad they can't even work . Daniel Van Kirk has a funny bit about a time when he was moping around work because a girl broke his heart and his boss had a talk with him about love in a THICK Chicago accent . Funny and heart-warming .

"Since you been g I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant"

Technically these things were true before also . But I get what they're saying here - even a good relationship makes you feel kind of trapped . You COULD do whatever you want but you have another person to consider . Which isn't necessary bad but it is a limitation . I guess this guy (or girl or whatever) wasn't big on fancy restaurants . Although that seems like an easy thing to compromise on in a relationship . If your big sticking point with your "other" is that they want to go to fancy restaurants and you won't budge on that point it's going to be a rocky ride .

"But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues"

Romantic , but probably not true . They have pills for that .

"Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you"

This is romantic but grammatically incorrect . You can compare anything to anything . Which is why I hate the expression "It's like comparing apples and oranges" . Those things are easy to compare . is red (sometimes) is orange . is delicious , is okay at best . is made into an awesome pie , the other is made into mediocre juice . it made into fantastic cider , the other is made into a rewdriver . And so forth .

What the lyric should be is "I have compared many things to you and I favor you over most of them" . Because no matter how much you love some you're not going to rank them #1 out of all things . You can't tell me your partner is better than a snow leopard . Because they're not . Thankfully you don't have to choose . Yet .

"It's been so lly without you here
Like a bird without a song"

I guess a bird without a song would be lly because they mostly sing to attract other birds right ? It's like a mating thing ? Maybe ? I'm no birdologist . Yet .

'Nothing can stop these lly tears from falling"

Again , probably not true because of the drugs the doctor will give you . Or that you can buy from the dude who hangs out at the Kum and Go down the street . Right by the fire station ! But I guess firemen can't bust punks so , you know . Still it seems weird .

"Tell me baby where did I go wrong"

Sometimes when people get dumped they ask what they did . Do they really want an answer ? Sometimes they say that they're change . I'm not sure what to think of that . On the hand changing for some you love seems like a good thing . But aren't you supposed to be yourself ? I mean imagine if your whatever came up to you and said "okay , you need to change these things about yourself or I'm dumping you" . I don't think you'd be pleased . My gut tells me if some doesn't like who you are that's fine , every should move on . But that's probably why I'm al .

"I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you"

That's assault hy .

"I went to the doctor and guess what he told me?
Guess what he told me?
He said girl you better try to have fun"

I doubt that . That doesn't seem very doctory . Unless they were a sassy doctor from some TV show . "Girl you better take your diabetes medicine !"

'No matter what you do, but he's a fool'

Agreed . Although I guess if you have stress induced angina maybe your doctor would tell you to try and have fun .

'All the flowers that you planted mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away'

Dang . That's bleak . In my mind the relationship must have been pretty advanced if he was planting flowers for mama , but some people are like that . A dude at work planted a whole bunch of stuff for the mother of a woman he had only been dating for a few months . Remember that time George was saying he wished he could talk to the mothers and sleep with the daughters ? Classic George .

'I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try'

This is interesting because it makes it seem like she was the to ended things right ? Did he take his love away because she gave him the walking papers ? Or maybe she broke it off because of whatever but she didn't really want to ?

Sometimes I think Sinead O'Conner is dead but that's Dolorous O'Reardon . Also sometimes I think she's a lesbian but that's some else too . I think she's just an alive straight person .
Picture someone who watches porn at work and loves to watch an ass kicking
Posted:Jun 18, 2018 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2018 4:01 pm
What are you picturing ? Probably some like this ;

But you should be picturing this ;

Don't believe me ? In the episode "Fun Run" at the beginning the nerk is down because Pam paid for and downloaded a celebrity sex tape video that contained malware .

In the episode "Women's Appreciation" Pam says that she wishes some had flashed her when she was with Roy because "it would have been the ass ing of the year" .

Neither of those things seem very Pam-like do they ? But really , what do we know about Pam Beesley ?

You're probably thinking things ;

It's a fictional character on a sitcom why are you thinking about this so much ?

That show went off the air ago and stopped being good ago , shut up about it .

And those are both valid points but I fooled you all - you thought I was slowly turning this into a wrestling blog when really I'm turning it into a The Office blog .

Anyway getting back to wrestling I couldn't sleep last night because I was freaking out about work so I did what every does - I watched a wrestling documentary to sooth my frayed nerves .

These things pretty much all have the same trajectory - they start out no-name broke losers but they're having a blast with their buddies . Then they hit the big-time and it's a whirlwind of excitement . Then comes the drugs and the disillusionment and the self-loathing . Then comes the redemption .

And most of the time the redemption comes in the form of a lady (often the 3rd wife) who s them turn things around by putting a boot up their ass 24/7 . I never really thought about it before but that's really something you know ? To meet some , like them realize they're a fucking mess and decide "you know what , I'm going to fix this" . That's like . . . well its like something . I mean maybe these people are just control freaks and it's not as romantic as I think but from an outside perspective having the gumption to take some on as a project ? Seems impossible to me .

But it happens .

I often wonder about love what it is , if it exists , etc. but this seems like a strong indicator that it is a thing . Believing in some when they don't even believe in themselves , that's thing , but believing in them FOR them , that's a whole other level . Ya know ?

And as always I wonder if it's a gender thing because I don't know of too many men who'd see a lady who's totally off the rails and goes "yes , I can work with this ." Unless her tits are bonkers of course .

I was looking up something about servers today (the nerk hardware) and of the google suggestions was about a particular type of roleing (the sex kind not the good D&D kind) that is allegedly popular .

Which is person pretends to be a waitress/waiter (or "server" if you will) and the other the customer . And the is bad and the order is rewed up and everything so the "customer" gets pissed at the "server and then they bang I guess .

This seems like bad roleing to me . Because isn't it too close to reality ? You come home with groceries and your lady is pissed because you bought the wrong kind of almond milk after having been specifically warned that doesn't turn into sexy time right ?

And this whole server enario seems adjacent to that .

I was with a gal (sorry SAW) once who always wanted to role , which isn't my bag (what is amiright ? ) so time I says to her I says "okay , what about this how about you pretend I'm not the best of limited options and I'll pretend I don't kind of think about breaking up with you every time I leave here" .

She hit me with of those rubber car-strappy things right in the jaw .
Is there a lizard doctor in the house ?
Posted:Jun 17, 2018 4:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2018 4:24 pm

Posting a quote is the 4th most lame thing you can post . So here's my quote ;

"No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins."
A blog of historical significance
Posted:Jun 16, 2018 7:09 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2018 4:31 pm

I'm changing my profile because even though it 100% doesn't matter what I have on there it was sending the wrong message . But this story needs to be preserved so I post it here for future generations of digital archeologists to enjoy .

When I was a kid one time I was playing baseball and I got walked so I took my base . I'm there on 1st and after a moment I realize that the pitcher is just standing there on the mound holding the ball , hand on hip , looking at me . Just looking at me . And I wonder "What's this guy's problem ?" And he just keeps eyeballing me . And I realize - does this dude think I'm going to try and steal second ? On a walk ? What the hell ?

But he just keeps staring at me so eventually I think "Alright buddy you want to get nuts ? Let's get nuts !" So I take off for second while he's looking right at me . It's like he was daring me to do it . He has me dead to rights , all he has to do is toss the ball to second and I'm out by a mile . But when I make my move his eyes get all wide like a cartoon wolf seeing a sexy lady and he panics - he sails the ball over the second baseman's head . I'm heading into second free as a bird and I peek into the outfield .

There's some kind of confusion out there and nobody has the ball . So I think "To hell with it , I'm going for third !" and around the corner I come . As I'm heading to third the base coach there is losing his god damn mind - he's waving for me to head home like a frightened babysitter trying to swat a bat with a tennis racket .

The crowd is going insane . They're about to see a home run on walk . This is something that has NEVER happened in the 230 year history of baseball on any level . No the pros , not the minor leagues , not college , this has never happened ever . I am going to be on Sportscenter . Sports Illustrated is going to interview me . This is going to be the moment .

I've got my head down and my arms chugging and I'm pumping my crazy legs like there's a mutant bear after me . The throw comes in from center field like a rocket - that dude chucked that thing like a protestor throwing a rock at the G8 summit . It came in on a rope and the catcher was right there . I slide , there's a play at the plate and I beat the tag !

PAN-DE-MONIUM . People are screaming and high fiving and almost falling out of their acid wash shorts .

It's at this point that the umpire informs me that that was only ball 3 . The reason the pitcher was staring at me is because I should not have been there . So I have to get back up to bat with two strikes and immediately strike out on the next pitch .

That incident is me in a nutshell . Although I learned a valuable lesson , if you're gonna go , you go all the way - maybe you're wrong and maybe you're right but it'll be exciting either way.

PS I am not exciting
We're going to need a bigger toaster
Posted:Jun 12, 2018 5:04 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2018 5:46 pm
10 Shades of Toast

For (almost) four long years the challenge has gone unbidden . But no more ! I 40deuce shall rise to the challenge of all rivals .

I don't know what kind of fancy-ass toaster SBJ has with TEN levels on it . Mine only has five so that's what I'm doing . Deal with it .

I've learned that people in "the lifestyle" get very upset at people like me about what is or isn't "kink" so this is NOT a toaster metaphor for kinkiness , it's a toaster metaphor for freakiness . What's the difference ? Exactly .

I doubt anyone would really get offended by this BUT just in case keep in mind who this is coming from . So it's obviously hetero-centric and whatnot . I wouldn't presume to know what the gay community considers freaky . Not seriously anyway , I mean obviously I would as a "bit" . Which would be offensive also but it's okay if it's humor .

Not toasted – Some folk would call this vanilla but that’s because they don’t realize how rare and awesome vanilla was for most of human history . FYI Vanilla and Chocolate both came from the New World , before that people only had strawberry ice cream . Also there was no ice cream there was plague . Also the king banged your wife and there was nothing you could do about it .

This level is “normal” sexual practices . Depending on where you’re from and what you believe in oral may or may not be at the level or the next one up .

Level 1 – Basically just warm bread . There may be the slightest amount of browning .

At this level maybe you leave the lights on sometimes . Maybe you own a black bra (if a woman , as a man that’s a higher level) . Maybe sometimes you do it other places than in bed . Perhaps you’ve sexted a time or two .

Level 2 – Lightly toasted , but noticeable toasted . Butter will melt but not immediately .

This is where the butt comes in . Mild roleplaying . Food play perhaps . Vibrators and dildos maybe , but not the really freaky toys . This is about as far as you’ll see sex portrayed on the TV and in movies , except the butt stuff of course which is the love that shall not be named , unless you’re talking about HBO – it’s not porn it’s HBO . Handcuffs and other low level bondage items – the kind of 50 Shades stuff that “real” BDSM people would sneer at .

Level 3 – Toasted

This is probably where most AdultFriendFinder types are , or at least think/want to be . This is where other people start getting involved , threesomes , swinging , sex parties , that sort of thing . Toys that you don’t find the “average” nightstand make an appearance , nipple clamps , butt plugs , shackles , lucha masks , etc. This is the level of car blowjobs (which is very dangerous BTW) and sex in public but not while being observed . In depth roleplaying , things of that nature . This is the level where people of my ilk start saying “whoa , that seems like a lot of effort” . This is where the “real” but “light’ BDSM lives .

Level 4 – Blackened but not burned

This is where things start getting freaky . This is where you have “a scene” . If you’re posting videos of yourself banging this is probably your level . This is where the heavy stuff BDSM wise comes in . One time , IN REAL LIFE , I saw a dude strapped to a thing getting kicked repeatedly in the dick – both people involved in that scenario as this toasted . If you’re ever traveled somewhere for a gathering of like- minded people you’re here .

Level 5 – Burned

Anything goes . So called vanilla sex does nothing for you . Sex in public with people watching , gang-bangs , gloryhole stuff , immersive roleplay , cuckolding , submarines , the spas ace shuttle , etc. At this level when you have to get off things have to be organized in advance – there’s construction involved . It’s a big deal .

On Fire

At this level you’re completely jaded . Things have to get really insane for you to feel aroused . Shark play , wasp play , Jesusing , reincarnate soul sex orgies . Things that don’t even exist need to get involved – space creatures , minotaurs , eldritch beings from beyond space and time . If you can only orgasm by shapeshifting into a bear and getting it on with a dragon on the top of a pyramid this is where you are . If you can only get aroused if the former president of Pakistan is watching you this is where you are . If you have to be in the eye of a hurricane to get hard this is where you are .
From the moment I first saw you I knew I wanted to have sex with you a few times and then ghost you
Posted:Jun 11, 2018 4:59 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2018 6:48 pm

There's lady on here with the username of Polyester . Do you think her name is Ester and she's polyamorous ? Or does she just love synthetic resin ?

Is there anything sadder then when you think to yourself "maybe my phone/network connection/mailbox/whatever isn't working" because you've received no texts or e-mails or messages or tweets or letters or whatever ? Yes .

I think an actual real live lady was just trying to flirt with me on IM , I ruined that in two sentences . I couldn't flirt my way out of a flirting factory with an electrified flirting machine on the flirtingest day of he year . Sometimes I wonder how I've ever gotten laid at all . Then I remember .

I say "bummed" or "bummer" more than most people in regards to being in low spirits . The dumb Australian guy I work with claims that in England and countries like that were bum is used to mean ass saying that you're bummed means you got fucked in the ass . I don't believe him . But it could be true .

As you all know I am an unfeeling monster with a heart that's three sizes too small (which is a serious medical issue) but even I am astounded at the regularity which people approach their romantical life completely practically and dispassionately .

Maybe I've seen too many romantic comedies (two) but I feel like if you really feel something for someone you wouldn't be so cavalier about it . Such as I was talking to an old workmate of mine about how he's feeling like his life is empty and meaningless (which must be true if he's turning to ME for advice) because all he does is drink and chase women and I asked what the deal was because a few months ago he was buying a house with his GF and looking for engagement rings .

What happened was she came to him and said they had to move in together or break up . And he didn't want to move in with her but he also didn't want to break up so they bought a house together . Spoiler alert it didn't work out . That seems crazy to me on both sides . Does coercing your partner ever go well in the long run ? I think the same thing about people who are always checking up on their partner - because if you don't trust them it doesn't really matter if they're cheating on you or not right ? If you think they're capable of that it's not working out is it ?

I don't know if I believe in love but if it does exist it seems like it should be something that you care about enough to make things work . But maybe it only seems like that because I've never been in love , maybe it's no big deal . Maybe other people fall in love dozens of times and it's not something to get all worked up about .

I guess what I'm saying is hang on loosely but don't let go

I watched part of Stripes yesterday because that movie is great , and I wondered , is there a comedy made between 1979 and 1983 that does not have a scene where someone is peeping in a women's shower ?

Speaking of movies Sicario is a great movie to me and I was reverse bummed about there being a sequel but it sequels looks awful .

Sicario seemed like a unique movie to me from a lot of angles - it had a strong veneer of realism , it called into question the US's responsibility for drug violence in Mexico , it had a female lead realistically portrayed in a rough and tumble world of violence , it had a good message about the militarization of the war on drugs , there was a lot of good stuff there .

But the sequel appears to be a straight up clichéd "killer protects little girl" action flick . Boo . Bummer .

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